I know almost all my posts mention my ex, but that's currently my life. I hate saying I miss him bc it's been SO long, but I also hate trying to say that I DON'T miss him. It's kind of complicated [in my head] because I miss him, I won't lie about that. But I miss who I was when I was with him more than actually missing him. Not that who I was was more important or he was just there and that's all he was, but I think I've gotten over the whole "omg I miss you and I want you back and blah blah blah".
So last night I got pretty wasted. I've been making the mistake of drinking really fast lately. Not because I feel the need to drink drink drink, but we ALWAYS pregame before going out and with me I have to kind of drink a lot in order to get a good buzz. Though the past few weekends I've been getting to my cousins house kind of late and I have to cram in like 3 hrs of drinking within 1 hour in order to get to be bar and have a reasonable amount of time there. So long story short I've been rushing which has been leading to me getting WAYY too drunk WAY too fast. So last night I was pretty drunk and I got to drunk texting people. I sent texts to a couple people and my ex was one of them. I didn't really mean anything when I texted him I just wanted to talk to people [i was drinking grey goose and red bull at the bar which always spikes my energy for like a hour after i get home and then i crash lol]. So I texted him and then I went on facebook and I started to miss him. I also have a lot of stress with school and some family stuff that was just really getting to me so I began to be a huge drama queen and proceeded to cry. If I'm being completely honest, I don't even know why I was crying. I know the three things mentioned above were on my mind and then the waterworks started in. I don't know why or even how but the next thing I know I am in bed hugging gordon. Now Gordon is a teddy bear that I got from my ex on my first date ever. Gordon is also my ex's middle name, hence why I named the teddy bear that. [i'm SO clever right? right.]
So that happens, and then I get a text from my ex today and he said he was sorry he didn't reply but he had been up goofing around with his bf and when I texted they had just began cuddling on their way to sleep [or something along those lines, don't quote me]. What I got from that was I was being a dramatic drama cry baby queen and was clutching a gift from him while he was in a romantic embrace with his current boyfriend. I've never felt more stupid in my entire life. Nothing against him or his bf. They're honestly cute together, but I still felt dumb. I say it all the fucking time but I need to get my happy back. I know he wasn't the reason I was happy, but him being there was motivation to do things that lead to my happiness within myself. I wish I wouldn't have taken the break up as hard as I did because I believe the day we broke up was the day I stopped moving towards my happy. I let those events bring my life to a screeching halt and I haven't had the strength to get the wheels fully rolling ever since. Losing motivation is the worst.
I hate how I have the WORST writers block on my english paper [that i should be doing right now] but this shit is coming out like water. It's an evaluation essay, and she said that I could evaluate a specific moment in my life, maybe I should evaluate my first relationship lol [that peer review would be fun lol] [omfg I think I'm gonna do it. though she'll probably be sick of me talking about being gay lol my first essay was about the art of attraction vs the art of judgment and then I did an essay on what it really means to be a man. both of which had tons of homosexual themes. fuck it, I'm doing it lol.
2 comments:
Your ex just gave you a reason why you shouldn't be missing him that much. Maybe he was just playing the asshole to repel you, but his reply to your text was cold and cruel. Is that the kind of person you want to share your life with, anyway?
You miss being in a relationship, and that's OK. But don't miss HIM. And don't rely on anybody to give you a purpose in life or motivation, find that within yourself -a lesson I'm still trying to put into practice myself...
I don't think that he was trying to be rude with his reply. We often talk about his bf and I'm ok talking about it. Yeah it bothers me a little but not too much. If I wouldn't have been in the state I was when I texted him [or if I didn't sleep with the teddy bear] I wouldn't have taken his text as hard as I did.
I agree I miss being in a relationship, and I'm trying to work on not relying on anyone but that seems to be kind of hard lol
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